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Monday, March 30th, 2009...11:50 pm

#56: Matching Outfits


The Best Parent Ever is better than you because they care enough for their children to dress them exactly like themselves.

Some might think a parent-child matching outfit is tacky. But not the Best Parent Ever. They know that the most important thing about a child is how he or she compliments The One Who Birthed Them. Children are like soft lighting or tequila – when used properly, they will completely enhance the appearance of ANYONE. And what’s more complimentary than swaddling one’s spawn in the exact same apparel sheathing your own middle-aged paunch and/or buttocks?

It’s all so simple: children are at their best when they are presented as exact, carbon copy, rubber stamp clones of the greatest person that ever lived… The Best Parent Ever. If you have not left the house recently with your child clad like a demented, baby-talking parental Mini-me of yourself, you obviously don’t love them. Or at least not as much as The Best Parent Ever.

So take that, D.N.A.! You may pass on all kinds of genetic material that make children look, act, and think almost exactly like their parents. But for the Best Parent Ever, that’s just not enough. Their children must dress exactly like them as well. They will be ordering two shirts now – one in extra-large adult, and one in toddler size. Same style, same color, same message: “We are so much better than you.”

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  • nomorewirehangers
    April 4th, 2009 at 1:42 am

    I always wanted a minion… I mean mini me…

  • Ohhhh, this one really burns me up. Who needs an individual identity. Monogramming a plus…

  • On more than one occasion, I have come downstairs early wearing, say, a red shirt, followed half an hour later by the two kids, both of whom have independently decided to wear red shirts that day. So we are inadvertent scary matching people. Hand to God, I don’t do this on purpose, but it happens around here a lot more often than I care to admit…