Quantcast » Blog Archive » #20: Organic Mattresses

Thursday, April 3rd, 2008...3:56 pm

#20: Organic Mattresses

(non-organic mattress)

Best Parents love the word “organic,” and will pay extravagant amounts for anything prefaced by this increasingly-suspicious marketing gimmick. That’s why we live in a world suddenly filled with organic food, organic clothing, organic toys, and now, the organic mattress. Truth is, organic mattresses have been around for centuries. But they used to be called “sleeping on the ground.” And where do you think they put Baby Jesus after birth, a Sealy Posturepedic?

But now the Best Parent is besieged with word that the traditional foam and spring mattresses they’ve been sleeping on for the past century are actually cesspools of toxic fumes and harmful petro-chemicals. Putting your child in traditional crib bedding? Ha! Might as well float little Moses in a plastic bucket across the Exxon Valdez oil spill. If you’re a proper Best Parent, you have probably already seen the names Dax and Greenforbaby on your Amex cards. As for everyone else? Good luck with the mattress cancer.

(organic mattress)

So take that, non-best parents putting your child on Tempur-pedics, futons, and memory foam! Best Parent children are sleeping easy tonight on organic wool and cotton, as they hear this latest Best Parent lullaby: “Rock a bye baby, in the treetop…which was grown pesticide-free and certified organic to the strictest USDA standards, thank you very much.”

For more “helpful” parenting tips, join the BPE Discussion Board!


  • Lol!!!!! Good post. I sleep in oil spill :(


  • OMG, you guys are so freaking funny!

  • This blog lacks the originality and wit of stuff white people love. Where that blog joyfully wileded unsaid racist banter like a surgen wields a scaple, this blog uses it like a chain saw.

    “So take that, non-white parents putting your child on Tempur-pedics, futons, and memory foam!” SWPL always poked fun at itself and not others. Take that white blog writter.

  • Josh – this blog just has a bigger chip on its shoulder. nbd

  • Eff Josh. Your blog is funny, too.

  • This is hysterical!

  • Love. it.

    Are there organic sheets to go on my baby’s organic mattress? If I use the organic sheets without said organic mattress, will the toxic evil chemicals still find their way through?

  • Parents!!! Check out http://detentionslip.org for all the latest headlines in public education. It’s a leading source for breaking crazy stories in our schools.

  • Shut up Josh, you’re just jealous ’cause you can’t write with as much wit as is found in here.

    Sure this blog is following the “let’s make fun of whitey” trend, but it has excellent humor value and adds originality in the fact that it focuses on parenting, PLUS, you can tell that the writer has a more direct and intimate experience with these topics; the entries aren’t as generalized as the SWPL blog.

  • F B P O
    (For Best Parents only)
    psst… this is the only site you need:


    Organic Mattresses – check
    Organic Bedding – check
    Organic Sheets – check
    Organic Beds and Bedroom Furniture – check
    Organic Towels – check
    Organic Bathroom accessories – check
    Organic Robes, Slippers, Clothing, Loungewear, Gifts, BodyWraps, Candles, Personal Body Care, Blankets, Baby Clothes, Baby Toys, Books, Fountains, Lighting, etc. —- ummm — check

    F B P O
    (For Best Parents Only)

  • Sh*ttiest Parent EVER
    May 23rd, 2008 at 3:33 am

    “Good luck with the mattress cancer.”

    I actually laughed out loud at that one. I was just telling my wife this the other day, how this whole “organic” phenomenon is nothing new, yet nowadays, virtually every conceivable product that a child could come in contact with will have an “organic” label slapped on it….. and that is ALL my wife wants to buy.

    I’ve even seen organic onesies. No lie.

    She gave me sh*t the other day because I bought whole milk with no growth hormones added. She said, “But I wanted you to get the organic kind.” I said, “What the f**k do you think ‘No Growth Hormones’ means anyway?”

  • Funny stuff! Of course these days you can actually get a soy based memory foam mattresses. I guess it was just a matter of time!

  • I like this blog better than StuffWhitePeopleLike.
    I just didn’t find that blog funny. I guess the SWPL folks can’t realize the irony in your posts? That whenever you say “Take that!” to someone it’s usually in a ridiculous scenario like “Take THAT!! I just spent $40 on a gallon of ice cream! Ha-ha!”
    It’s pretty obvious to me that the humor is that the parent-type you’re blogging about feels superior for being suckered in by every trend available.