Quantcast » Blog Archive » #23: Second Languages

Wednesday, April 9th, 2008...6:26 pm

#23: Second Languages


The Best Parent Ever is well aware that English is the best language ever invented. It is both the tongue of William Shakespeare and Jerry Seinfeld, two artists the Best Parent Ever greatly admires (although Seinfeld currently has the edge thanks to Bee Movie, which the Best Parent Ever would LOVE to let their kids watch — IF they let them watch TV).

Despite that certain je ne sais quoi of English, the Best Parent Ever also knows that it is imperative for their children to learn a second language. Future offspring must be able compete in the global marketplace, or at the very least understand what those day laborers are saying about them when they are asked to remove three truckloads of toxic backyard cement in the mid-August sun (note to Best Parent Ever: chigada and pendejo are NOT proclamations of affection, gringo).

Thus, educational toys are littered with second language instruction settings. Evil, little, monkey-toting imps shout out “Hola,” or “Ni hao” every few seconds on Nick Jr. And language immersion schools are springing up around the country faster than the Best Parent Ever can sing, “La-la-la-la-la-la-la Bamba” (which, understandably, are not exactly the lyrics to that song, but the Best Parent Ever doesn’t care).

“Why, all of a sudden, is there such a contretemps?” the lesser parent asks in their best French-like word. Like certain types of frogs, the Best Parent Ever is an indicator species warning of global economic catastrophes. The Best Parent Ever knows that today’s toddlers will one day grow up and need to ask some ridiculous robber baron in Beijing for a raise. And they will have to do it in Chinese, which they will already know because their parents were better than you.

So take that, mother tongue English! Your days are numbered, destined for the linguistic trash heap or some future subtitled movie by Mel Gibson. The Best Parent Ever has just taught their kid how to say “Bigger cubicle, please” in Mandarin.

And just in case global warming makes anything south of Nunuvut uninhabitable, they’ve also learned the Inuit words for: “One
quonset hut hut with a view, please.”

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  • En jezik ni nikoli dovolj


  • True, but I can’t argue with this one with all the research supporting it.

    Besides, you can then learn if your nannies are talking shit about you behind your back without having to learn another language yourself.

  • Just wait till ya kid grows up then not everythings so easy, and plus you’ll drive your kid crazy if all you give ’em is “educational toys” and read them Shakespeare! LOL, they’ll do that in school. Personally I think you’re crazy.


  • I’m bummed that you are divesting from Stuff White Parents Like. However, in reading the comments it seemed lots of folks just don’t understand satire and have no sense of humor (and keep making it a racial thing). Too bad. In any case, I love the site and have forwarded it to all my white parent friends.

  • Eh, I wish second languages really were optional for all of us. Aside from Dutch (native) and English (common sense) I had to learn German, French, Spanish and had to pick either Latin or Greek.

    And if I hadn’t cheated my way through all of them, I’m sure they’d still be useless.

  • I’m all for learning second languages. Or being tri-lingual, if it’s a natural thing to do. It’s the ones that think the children should learn ALL the languages their forebearers spoke (nevermind they can’t themselves) or that learning language “x” makes them smarter.

  • Don’t forget foreign language playgroups – in which a bunch of English speaking parents get together with their English-speaking offspring and strictly adhere to a “No English” policy. Bonus points if they have a native speaker or two join the group (although this only seems to happen if the native speaker is French).