Quantcast » Blog Archive » #30: Long haired children

Tuesday, April 29th, 2008...1:06 am

#30: Long haired children


The Best Parent Ever is better than you because they never cut their toddler’s hair. This is most noticeable amongst young boys (see above). Since when did all the Best Parents insist their male children run around playgrounds like miniature versions of long-forgotten heavy-metal stars and grunge bands? Hey, “Welcome to the Jungle Gym,” little pint-sized Axl Rose. That’s not “Teen Spirit” you’re smelling, tiny Kurt Cobain — it’s your dirty pull-up diaper! As for that three-foot high Eddie Vedder in the sandbox, he has one thing to say to you: “Don’t call me daughter.”

Whatever happened to haircuts? The Best Parent Ever loves defying convention whenever possible — especially when it makes their life easier. First haircuts can be traumatic for both child and Best Parent alike. Why bother with that hassle when the Best Parent Ever can just announce they have decided to “preserve my child’s birth hair,” which is just a fancy way of saying “I don’t want to hear my child scream at the local Snip-its.”

More importantly, though, the Best Parent Ever is hypoallergenic to all but the most fashionable and stylistic choices available. And let’s face it. Boy haircuts pretty much only come in two varieties: The Buzzcut or The Bowl. In a choice between The Blue Boy and The Dutch Boy, the Best Parent is going for the one with the long hair and culottes (that would be The Blue Boy, by the way).

So take that, rabble-rousing hair bands of the ’70s, ’80s and ’90s! Your rock-n-roll, rebel hairstyles have been completely co-opted by a bunch of longhaired toddlers birthed by the Best Parent Ever. And that’s why the Best Parent Ever is better than you! Well, at least until that first lice check.

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  • I was on a bass with a man with young kids and in walk and Ethiopian kid and pointed out that the boy with long hair was a girl. It became an argument just because he had long hair.

    Cut your kids hair.


  • One thing that I have noticed about very little boys with long hair or very little girls with extremely short hair is that their parents will get very offended if you address their child by the wrong gender. .

  • Funny – I am a mother of 2 boys with long hair. They’ll be getting cuts soon, though each for different reasons. Frankly, my 5 year old has long hair because when he was 3 he had the intelligence & communication skills to make it clear to us that others in the family had long hair, so he wanted long hair too. Kids seldom ever mistake him for a girl, though he is very “pretty”; its always adults that make assumptioms despite the obvious. It never offends me, but I think he gets tired of explaining, as he & I both know that girls simply never dress like that.

  • I knew a family with a similar problem – they had a little girl who never had a haircut; which, in itself isn’t a problem. However, they never COMBED her hair, either! She had very, very curly hair and her mother didn’t want to “comb the curls out” and was also afraid because “the tangles hurt her.” Her hair was also bright red, so she really stood out with her bird’s nest on her head.

  • I love my long haired little boy

  • their parents will get very offended if you address their child by the wrong gender

    Actually, it’s funny; people *expect* me to be offended, and always say, “oh, I’m sorry!” but actually, I mean, he has long hair, it’s not terribly surprising that people think he’s a girl. (And he also says, “no, I’m a boy . . . that’s okay, everyone thinks I’m a girl.)


  • thank you jesus for making this finally come to light. is it merely a coincedence that every long-haired boy i know has a serious discipline problem? nope, because the mentality here is: “*my* little boy is so cute and so perfect in every single way that he must never be told no & must never have one single hair cut from his angellic head because, well isn’t he cuter than everyone else?! (& secretly well you know, if i cut it– it won’t be blonde anymore!)”

    so i shave my son’s head. and you know what that means– the best parent evah is meeeeeee 😉

  • LMAO! Little boys with long hair.

    Here’s some scissors for you. Cut your boys’ hair please! Wait until they’re older to look like girls.

  • I think it’s funny (ignorant) to assume that boys w/ long hair are discipline problems. I happened upon this website b/c I am looking for a LITTLE shorter style for my son, now that he’s 4 1/2. I will definitely not be opting for a crew or a buzz – no offense to the parents that do. My point is, if the child is well behaved, the hair is just a matter of personal taste. I like my son’s hair longer for the same reason my son has never seen a single movie or show w/ swearing or fighting – b/c they are only young & innocent for so long. There is no rush to make a 4 yr old grow up. My son’s intelligence is above average, and (maybe more importantly) his behavior is way above average. He treats everyone w/ respect; he does what he is asked; he exceeds everyone’s (including mine) expectations on what he’s capable of doing – sitting through movies, plays, dinner, meetings, whatever; while on the other hand plays like any other 4 yr old would – wide open. No, I do not get offended if someone thinks he’s a girl, although it’s pretty rare b/c he wears boys’ clothing. I just do not understand all this business about trying to judge other parents – based on haircuts, of all things.

  • That first paragraph was spit OUT funny! Good job on this blog. I’m lurvin’ it!

  • This is so stupid, like the reast of this “blog”… I can’t figure out if this is supposed to be helpful to ppl or the writers are just that dumb.

  • Get a sense of humor
    June 5th, 2008 at 4:51 pm

    It’s called satire. It’s not meant to be helpful. If you don’t like it, don’t read it. I’m sure there are much more helpful “blogs” out there for you to read.

  • “My son’s intelligence is above average, and (maybe more importantly) his behavior is way above average. He treats everyone w/ respect; he does what he is asked; he exceeds everyone’s (including mine) expectations on what he’s capable of doing….”

    i rest my case. :)

  • i hate to break this to you, but “the best parents ever!” will never really understand or “get” humor, they are way too busy being “the best parent ever!” to have time to think about what’s funny. (& if they did, this blog– which is fabulous BTW!!– wouldn’t even exist, because they would all change if they could understand it & then laugh at themselves!)

    oooh. that one was deep 😉

  • You know what’s worse than a little boy with long hair? A little boy with an earring in one ear. Seriously, it might not be in style in 20 years, and even if it is…let him make that choice.

  • Kate – you got me. This article was the 1st one I came across on this site, and I did post before I read the any other blogs, meaning before I realized how hilarious this stuff is.

    I have realized that I am only 6 for 37. I thought I did a great job raising my son, but now I guess he’s doomed.

    You know, he’s been whining a bit since he came back from my in-laws’. Maybe I should try giving him one of those prison hair cuts, maybe that would clear that right up. Why didn’t I think of that before?

  • Love it Love it Love it!
    Just dropped in here from failblog.org and now am hooked – looks like the gardening will have to go on hold again.
    Oh, and well done Ashley for your returning entry. Although you were just taking yourself a LITTLE too seriously for a while there.

  • You’re right Mandy. I was having “a what-a-day” before. I get those from time-to-time b/c I only get to have 1 kiddo. This site does rock my socks off, cures those blues right up.

  • Sorry, the mistaking the boy for a girl thing doesn’t work. I know because I’ve tried offering my 11 year old son some make-up to go with his long hair, but he just laughs. This must be payback for all those mushroom-shaped haircuts I made him get when he was a preschooler. It’s too late for me, but I think those best parents are onto something. Let those boys grow their hair out when they’re 4 and they’ll rebel with a #2 buzz cut when they’re 12.

  • I don’t care if people let their sons’ hair grow down to their feet. Just don’t get all huffy if I mistake him for a girl. If you don’t mind correcting me politely, I don’t mind being corrected. But when you act like I have just insulted your entire family for mistaking your androgenous kid for the wrong gender, well, I have issues.

    On the flip side, if you cut your daughter’s hair really, really short, and she only wears her brothers’ hand me downs, don’t get offended when people think she is a boy. Ok to politely correct, but if it gets on your nerves because it happens constantly, maybe you should reconsider the hair situation.

  • When I was a boy about 6 or 7 when my hair started to grow long for the first time and I loved it. My father always took me to the barbershop when the back started to touch the collar of my shirt but that winter my parents were very busy to think about their sons getting a haircut and by spring my hair was down to my shoulders and they said time for a haircut and I went in my bedroom crying because I did not want to cut my hair. They said that I did not have to cut my hair and it grew al summer and I loved it. They said I could decide when to cut my hair. Right before school started the next year I got my hair cut but it was still long. I cut the bangs to the top of my eyes and the back was not touched and the sides was trimmed to the bottom of my ears. I loved that haircut so I always cut my hair but leaving the back growing by the time I was 12 it was all the way down my back. I kept it cut to the waist till I was 15. I loved my long hair and my parents did too after they got use to it

  • I have two boys, 14 and 9 years old. Both of them have had long hair of various lengths. The 9 yo currently has hair down amongst his shoulder blades, and his hair is beeeautiful. Absolutely gorgeous. He’s NINE. It’s HAIR. He’s not involved with “wine, women or song” and he gets great grades. In the grand scheme of things, it’s good for him exercise his decision-making skills (and freedoms) at this young age, and about something so harmless. Soon enough, society will put enough pressure on him to conform. And yes, it is his decision…as long as he keeps it well-kempt.

    When kids question his gender, he simply tells them he’s a boy; and understands it is part of the territory of his choice. When adults are mistaken, I say, “My son does have long hair, doesn’t he?”

    I see long hair on boys as a youthful pleasure; and no one has yet come up with an good enough argument to that.

    And Kate? You’re soooo full of baloney.

  • Ouch! I agree, letting your son’s hair grow down to your shoulders marks you out as a certain type of middle-class parent. Unfortunately, I have a North African husband and, unexpectedly, a three-year old with platinum, curly locks. This is such a novelty and source of pride to my husband that I am unable to touch a lock. How I would love to lop off a good two inches so that I could actually see what my son’s adorable face.

    I understand it is traditional in some Jewish and Muslim communities to wait until age three before the first haircut, but now my husband wants to wait until the child is ready for school.

  • why dont you people just call this whole site


    i dont see anything wrong with people with long hair its there decision you cant just post an article online saying long hair = bad
    i mean long hair is the style for boys nowadays and youre just going to have to deal with it

  • I came across this by accident and. . . interesting. . . my son is also 9 with long hair, and I have come across the people who call him a girl (in fact, his facial structure & skin are so nice, they ALWAYS call him a girl). His hair his that way completely by HIS choice, but as one of the parents wrote, I like the idea that he decide. Your hair can say a lot about you, and if you still are willing to have it even though you are regularly teased or called a sex that you aren’t, then more power to you!
    My husband regularly threatens to cut it, but I think the decision needs to be the boy’s. In my case the only thing I ask is that it is clean and not too disastrously messy!

  • Awesome site – article I can relate too!
    My son is almost 4 years old n or ow and is noticing when people refer to him as “her” or “she” (I would assume his clothing would give them a clue – but I guess that would be reverse ignorance on my part). He gets pretty upset about, so I usually try to reply to the other party with emphasis on the word “he” or “him”. I had one older “gentleman” argue with me about the whole thing and insisted I was wrong!?! My son doesn’t want to cut his hair, so now replies with either, “I am a boy, I just have great hair!” or “your just jealous!”, depending on the situation. He has noticed that anyone cool knows right away (especially the teenage girls) and tells him how cool his hair is. I firmly believe that his choice in hair style is shaping him into a person that will not be afraid to have his own identity. If he one day wants to cut his hair, well, I will cry and give him a set of clippers for his birthday.

  • Must be hard on the playground. Kids tell gender by obvious cues. Dresses or pants; long hair or short hair; Billy or Susan.
    It’s gotta be hard when every kid at the playground has long hair and is named Madison.

  • Love this website!
    As a corrollary to not cutting boy’s hair then being offended when he’s mistaken for a girl, how about giving girls boy names and being offended when the name is mistaken for a boy? I saw “Justin” on a form, and when I asked how old he was, mom huffily answered, “Justin is a GIRL”…yes, of course, how silly of me…?!

  • Personally, I think your an ignorant fuck.

  • I had long hair when I was a boy from about 6 years old or so till I was a senior in high school. I would get a haircut most of the time about once a year but their was this 3 year lasp between 9 to 12 that I did not get it cut at all and it grew past the middle of my back. When I was 12 I got it cut for the first time in those 3 years into a mullet and when I was 15 my hair was past my waist in the back still always getting the mullet till I was 18. I loved my mullet style

  • Oh George, you’re the ignorant fuck.
    “Your” is possessive whereas “you’re” is a contraction of “you” and “are”.

  • Had long hair from the age of 10 I was often mistaken for a girl it did not bother me. I am now a company director my company boys with long hair are not thick stupid or neglected. M

  • Had long hair from the age of 10 I was often mistaken for a girl it did not bother me. I am now a company director of my company. Boys with long hair are not thick stupid or neglected. Its still long but going thin . Let them have it long while they can . As men we all lose it to soon.