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Wednesday, July 16th, 2008...4:00 am

#47: Spanking










The Best Parent Ever is better than you because they never, ever spank their children. Really. Honest. They never do.

But let’s face it: there’s only so much you can accomplish with a “Time Out.” When a child has almost killed himself or another sibling by running into the street, making them stand on the Naughty Step doesn’t really do it anymore, thank you very much, Super Nanny. There is a reason human children do not have exoskeletons covering their posteriors, like, say, a Dungeness Crab or a Trillobite. This is so they can be spanked when they are bad.

But don’t let the Best Parent Ever hear this. They are completely against what they call “corporal punishment,” a term that seems to imply giving little Cody a swat on the rear is the same as shipping him off to Tookie Williams’ old cell on death row. No doubt, there are unjustly abused children in the world. But there are even more unjustly abused parents, whose offspring are in need of a good whoopin’!

So take that, Fruit of the Loom dudes – and the buttocks you are protecting! You are no match for the Best Parent Ever when they let loose with a little power paddlin’. But really – they don’t believe in spanking. Ever. And for that, they deserve a Time Out.

For more “helpful” parenting tips, join the BPE Discussion Board.

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  • www.anythingblack.net
    July 16th, 2008 at 4:46 am

    according to this no black parent could possibly be the best parent ever ahha..

    Oh well *shrugs* it was a good run.

  • Grabbin’ my popcorn and getting ready for the fireworks!!! Can’t wait till the first post from a BPE crucifies you as a child hating, baby beating,neglectful, slap happy waste of human flesh. It is about to start any minute now!

  • nomorewirehangers
    July 16th, 2008 at 1:54 pm

    You gave a shout out to frickin Tookie Williams… and for that… THAT I think you are the most awesome blogger ever in life… lmao…

    Brilliant blog friend… brilliant… 😀

  • Time outs are soooooo out. The best parent ever does ‘time ins’:


  • Sitting next to Lady in Red with popcorn. Can someone pass the butah?

    FTR: I agree with a swat. My kid gets em for funning into the road and sneaking outside. The most dangerous infractions of our rules get a swat. There is a HUGE diff between a swat or 2 every now and again and a beating.

  • Who’s Tookie Williams?

    Also FTR: I totally agree with Best workingmom. A little cuff or swat here and there as required never hurt anything, and is less damaging than a lot of BPE self-esteem-psychobabble which kids don’t understand. I have NEVER beat my kids, nor made a big deal out of a spank or whatever. Correct the behaviour, move on.

  • Non-Best Parent Ever
    July 16th, 2008 at 8:26 pm

    Oh my gosh! I’ve been reading this blog for a week or so now, and may I say thanks? I LOVE it! I, while having a Cody myself, absolutely agree with a pop vs. time out or time in. Come on, really? Time to stop coddling these kids and teaching them how to behave. As for time in, we reward poor behavior? Awesome. Where was that when I was 8?

    Tookie Williams:founder of the Crips. DUH:)LOL

  • Oh man, you never fail to disappoint!! This is SO true. I have heard spanking called abuse more times than I can remember. I suggest that anyone who thinks spanking is abuse should go to the peds ward at their local county hospital and look at some real victims of child abuse with their cigarette burns and smashed little faces and broken bones. Maybe then they will shut up about spankings being abuse.

    And there is always that ego-preening back-patting smugness when they tell you that spanking is ineffective and their methods are better. Whatever, sunshine. You haven’t met the well-behaved spanked kids I have yet.

  • I LOVE your blog! It cracks me up! I feel sometimes, like you are writing about my sister!

    Thanks for loads of laughs! When i’m having a crappy day i scroll through your blog and can’t stop laughing!

  • […] punishment (Blackgirlinmaine recently in her Spare the Rod… post, a more light-hearted one at this blog, and a more academic take […]

  • I’ve seen SO many kids run over their parents! And this is even more true on military bases. For some reason, folks are scared to look ‘abusive’ for giving their kids a spanking when they shout their heads off because they can’t have some candy or a toy. Worse yet, they throw tantrums, and they still don’t do more than try to ‘talk’ to them. Damn that, their little asses are getting whooped!

  • Never negotiate with terrorists or children, that’s my motto.
    I’m not going to go after them with a studded belt for using the wrong fork. But at the same time, if one of them gives the other a bloody nose, I think more than a frowny face is called for.

  • But you can’t spank a child (huge amounts of sarcasm here) because you are just teaching him/her to hit!!! To the BPE, what YOU are teaching your kids is that they own you. Done deal.

  • Spankings all the way. I was a BAD toddler. Tantrums, ignoring my parents, the works. Time outs really didn’t work. Verbal discipline or threats just rolled off me. But bring out the paddle?
    Then I was sorry. Not just for what I’d done recently but for every infraction I had ever committed in my little LIFE!
    I would probably spank my child if I had one, because I’ll probably get a child just like I was.

  • You forgot to mention that spanking doesn’t create fetishists that need therapy, either. (Ask any sadomasochist and they’ll say they were always into it.)

    Anyway, I was spanked as a child and it was never done with anger or without reason. I truly believe that it helped me. Because I was spanked when I broke big rules, I feel that I was instilled with a bit more of a sense of caution and a respectful attitude, but you never know. It could be that I’m just a meek person.

  • I don’t consider spanking to be abuse, but I don’t intend to teach my children one type of behavior, while behaving differently myself. The ‘you shouldn’t hit other people, but I can hit you’ argument just doesn’t make sense to me. Plain and simple.