Thursday, July 10th, 2008...1:34 am
#46: Circumcision
The Best Parent Ever is better than you because they know EXACTLY what’s best for their new son’s penis, and will fight tooth and nail and foreskin for their right to make sure you do the same thing as them.
There are three topics that will start a barfight-style brawl in any Mommy & Me — breastfeeding, vaccinations, and circumcision. But unlike the solid science and even-more-solid quasi-science that frame the first two disputes, circumcision spats take on a much more personal form. Suddenly, the Best Parent Ever is concerned about the future sexual sensitivity of their infant’s joystick, the aesthetic appeal of an uncut knob, and whether little Johnny’s johnson looks the same as his dad’s, as if they are trying to somehow avoid any ill-fated comparisons between father and son while, say, promenading buck-naked together through a Gymboree.
The strange thing is: this cock fight is driven almost exclusively by mothers. Fathers are primarily concerned with one thing regarding their son’s penis: that it be big. Enormous, in fact. Their boys should be like a 1970s porn star (but without the mustache). Nothing else matters after that. As for mothers? They suddenly know more about what’s best for the male anatomy than the average urologist, sex expert, and entire non-female species combined.
So take that, trouser snake! Your headgear is no longer determined by cultural, religious, or even medical customs, but rather The Best Parent Ever. And that means this decision is not for members only. It’s for the whole world to hear about, just so they too can realize how much the Best Parent Ever is better than you.
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58 Comments
January 16th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
I opted to get circumcised at 18. I can assure you it is cleaner, healthier (uncut guys have a 60% higher chance at acquiring STD’s and HIV) it looks much better and circumcision totally enhances the sexual experience. I had no hesitation to have my boys (2&4) circumcised, as I know there is no downside, only a lifetime of benefits.
There is nothing that is good about being uncircumcised!
January 27th, 2009 at 2:32 am
OMG! hahaha! (to the cucumber pic)
March 6th, 2009 at 9:30 pm
Steve, I severely DOUBT you were circumcised when you were 18. I was circumcised at 17, and if you are saying it increases sexual experiences you are dead wrong. Are you aware of how many nerve endings you lose after a circumcision?
April 21st, 2009 at 7:57 am
It’s genital mutilation in the name of tradition, and people need to stop pretending otherwise. You aren’t going to get AIDS because you were uncircumcized; If you are having unprotected, risky sex you are ***** either way. You aren’t going to get a fungal infection because a foreskin is harder to clean – if you are so filthy that you don’t know how to spend 2 seconds washing your penis you are going to get a fungal infection no matter what. Other than that, what reason do you have to mutilate your kids genitals? Your imaginary friend named ‘God’ told you to do it? Some superficial slut you met in college thought cut men look better? Does this really outweigh another human being’s right to NOT have his dick cut up with a knife?
http://scoopea.com/Health/Circumcision
April 24th, 2009 at 11:50 pm
Do you really think any doctor in his right mind would sign a paper saying he would assume responsibility for complications from a vaccine? In this wackadoodle world of ours, doctors get sued for unseemly amounts for no wrong doing, just because twelve idiots on a jury want to spread the wealth around. The trial lawyers are just waiting to pounce on the fake autism diagnoses to have a good, old fashioned class action law suit.
And, thank you, all you non-vaccinating folks. Hopefully, we can clean up the gene pool by weeding yours out.
May 22nd, 2009 at 7:11 am
I won’t circumcise, not that I have a problem with it, but I think that it would be best to leave it up to any boys I may end up having if I do breed. It’s not my body, it’s his, and he’ll do what he likes when he gets older.
I personally prefer uncircumcised men, which could very well color my decision, but I just hope I make the right decision in letting him choose for himself.
June 17th, 2009 at 12:52 am
My second daughter spent three weeks in the NICU, which was right next to the nursery, where they did the circumcisions. I don’t plan to have any more children, but if I did have a boy, I would NOT have him circed. I had to sit there in the NICU and listen to the baby boys howling, screaming in a way that I had never heard before or since. I think that any parent considering doing this to their son should have to listen to a recording of it being done. If you can listen to that and still sleep at night after putting your child through it, go ahead. But I could never do that to my baby.
September 3rd, 2009 at 5:27 am
It is really too bad to see that a website intended to bring a little bit of laughter to our fellow parents is providing others with a way to break one another down. Shame on us for attacking one another.
I really don’t care what you do or don’t do for your kids. I have made my decisions based on what is right for my husband and I and you just hope that your kids turn out ok based on the knowledge you had at that time. And if another parent asks me to defend my decisions, then they can just bug off. These are my kids not yours and no one should have to defend the decisions they make if they are in what they believe is the best interest of their child.
We all think differently and that is what makes the world unique.