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Monday, July 28th, 2008...8:19 pm

#49: Ass Kissing


The Best Parent Ever may be better than you, but that does not keep them from planting their best brown nose firmly up the decision-making derrieres of those empowered to consecrate their toddler’s future.

These revered Titans of Totville tend to be those in charge of the best preschools, sports programs, and so-called “feeder” programs… that lead to the best preschools and sports programs. Even the better public school principals are beginning to draw some fawning for spawn. The Best Parent Ever will volunteer at a school years before their child is enrolled, donate (bribe) generously at the endless silent auction and fundraisers, and partake in all manner of predatory social networking that would put the bottom feeders on myspace to shame.

Why is it that otherwise healthy and successful alpha breeders, who would normally demean or crush anyone that far below their social class, suddenly find themselves groveling like Calcutta beggars before the Old Navy khakis of that $8-haircut-wearing program administrator? Fear. And, perhaps, a little bit of justice. After all, even “Entourage’s” Ari Gold had to prostrate himself before the headmaster of The Briar Country Day School (at least after blackmailing him didn’t work). “The things we’ll do for our children,” Ari explained through his tears.


So take that, Thomas Jefferson! All men are NOT created equal, especially when it comes to preschool admissions and prestigious sports programs. The Best Parent Ever knows this all too well. And while they may be better than you, they are still beholden to lowly clerks, coaches, and underpaid educators determined to make them suffer miserably for their sins. As the old (just made up) saying goes: “Can’t be a B-P-E without a little kiss on the A-S-S.”

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  • nomorewirehangers
    July 28th, 2008 at 8:34 pm

    predatory social networking that would put the bottom feeders on myspace to shame…


    that is priceless…


  • Well, it’s just the way things have to be sometimes. The public schools are crap- bad academics, violent, etc. Private schools do such a better job at every facet of education and social development that you have to do what you can to get your kinds in them. Spaces are generally limited, so donations are what has to happen. It’s not like it’s happy fun time, but a parent who wants their kids to get the best education possible has to do it. Get over it.

  • bitter loo loo you looo loo so bitter. i can wipe my ass with your childs private school teachers degree.

  • oh LooLoo, can we offer you a tissue? Seems like there’s a little something brown stuck to your nose…”best education possible?” Give me a break. Go ahead and teach your kids to be elitists. Then when the grow up, if they ever do, they can lock themselves in their gated community and protect their pile of crap from all the public school kids clammering outside the gates. You are a shining example of what is WRONG with America. Oh, and probably kind of a stuck up bitch too. Have a lovely day….

  • I went to a private school and nearly flunked out. The teachers were horrible, they didnt give one on one help – they gave detention for kids, FOURTH GRADE, unable to complete homework because they couldn’t get the help in class to learn it – I think not…

    I went back to public school – got straight A’s and got tons of one on one help..

    I think you bitches need to do some research.

    I can get just as good a public school education for my kid with just a little research.. that you all can get with your so called “private school”.

    I also hate that most private schools require uniforms. I believe it stunts the childrens abilities to express themselves.

  • Why the F isn’t my first reply showing up?

  • nomorewirehangers
    July 30th, 2008 at 11:53 am

    I attended a little of both. And I will be damned if my children ever set foot in a private school.

    The difference? My sister and I are shining examples.

    She got her fancy private school education. My parents could only afford to keep ONE of us in it, as there were three, and being born first… TADA…

    Anyway… flash forward to her senior year of college (another fancy private school) My sis is a raging alchoholic, a pretty severe drug problem… and has to drop OUT of her fancy private school. Why? Trying to keep up with all the fancy kids whose parents could afford to keep them in no matter WHAT their grades looked like go the best of her.

    Me? Yea I got into one of those colleges too. But I’d EARNED my way in. Busted my ass to keep my scholarships too, because my parents couldn’t (or wouldn’t) help ME. I have my degree. And a career. And a lovely family. No drug problems. No alcoholism… and I didn’t have to marry well (as she did) to get herself out of debt. I got myself out.

    Kid bro? haha.. PRIVATE COLLEGE… yup. You guessed. He’s dropped out not once but TWICE… over what? drugs… hmmmm no degree… he has a career but we aren’t sure what he does is legal so no one asks too many questions… we are SO damned proud…

    And those are just examples of how my public highschool education better prepared me for LIFE. IF children had better home training perhaps teachers could TEACH during class, then perhaps ALL children could recieve a quality education during class.

    As it stands they are all too busy talking on their cell phones (which they shouldn’t have) and planning their trips to their next concert (which they are entirely to young to go to.)

    Quit- for the love of GOD- blaming the public schools and start looking within your own homes (looloo) if perhaps more parents took the time to raise their children with some humilty and grace (and some damned manners THANK you very much) the teachers of the world could do THEIR job.

    As for your fancy private school educations? ha… shove em. I’ve seen nothing good come from them.

  • Whether it be public or private schooling, it’s still stupid State-driven schooling in which you learn nothing. It’s a better schooling, sure, but it’s not that much of an improvement.

    Real education is pursued by the individual, not by coercive systems of schooling. As for schools, well, they’re all crap, the only difference is whether you expect your child to get stabbed in the back or strip-searched by police in a public school, exist in the relative safety of a private school, or actually learn a little tiny bit in homeschooling or alternative schools.

  • nomorewirehangers
    August 6th, 2008 at 9:33 pm

    Newsflash: Not all public schools are in an inner city gang zone…most don’t require a strip search to enter, and the most dangerous violence one usually encounters is a shove in the lunch room to get to those state sanctioned tater tots (mmmmmmm). Columbine and the like were incidents that could have happened anywhere…public or private schools. You ever seen a 12 year old who attends private school that forgot to take their fuckin happy pill that day? I have… and lord help us all if she’d had access to an oozie…


    Shame the devil and tell the truth… private school education is only better if your child is in desperate need to know the difference between xanax and lexapro and the effects on people who take them recreationally… Home Schooled children nine times out of ten end up with poor social skills and are in no way prepared for the “real world,” and there is no right or wrong answer for the masses. It’s based on the individual child.

    oh…and lets be REALLY honest here… the reason most people don’t want their children in public school has nothing to do with a quality education. It has to do with snobbery and racism. You don’t want your kids associated with the white trash, mexicans, and black kids in the world so you shelter them in the best way you know how… schools “those” people typically can’t afford.

    It starts at home. Period. Raise your children with a little bit of respect and decency and you’d be amazed at what they have the ability to learn no matter where you send them to school.

    Bring on the flames… 😉

  • “It starts at home. Period. Raise your children with a little bit of respect and decency and you’d be amazed at what they have the ability to learn no matter where you send them to school. ”


  • nomorewirehangers, I lub joo (sorry, I went to public school-can’t spell!!)

    “You don’t want your kids associated with the white trash, mexicans, and black kids in the world so you shelter them in the best way you know how… schools “those” people typically can’t afford.”

    I went to not just a public school, but a “low-performing” public school that was very multicultural and where drugs and teen pregnancy were rampant. (Not pills like in private schools, but actual drugs) My high school was actually the school “Dazed and Confused” was based on.

    Now I’m two semesters from a graduate degree and I’m going on to get a Ph.D. Why? Because my PARENTS taught me the value of education, so I took it seriously. Public schools have (what was called then) Advanced Placement, Honors, and Gifted & Talented classes, and even in my “low-performing” school, I think I turned out well.

  • I spent my “formative years” in the epitome of private schools: all girls Catholic high school, only to be fed into one of the largest universities in the nation. I lost friends to drugs (from both public and private schools), i lost friends to marriage and kids (from both public and private schools), I even lost friends to war (from both public and private schools).

    While I will admit to an “Office Space” style job, and a jaded, over-educated and under-stimulated viewpoint, I can and do relate well to my diverse friends.

    Ikissedagirl is right, it’s all about the parents.

  • That was a genuinely funny post. I enjoyed it and agree that the brown-nosing is RIDICULOUS.

    I have to say, though, to the others here, that my reasons for wanting to put my kids in private school has less to do with the quality of the teaching in a public school or the race makeup (I hate “white” communities, having grown up in one and been subjected to racism), and more to do with the fact that so many public schools have very little physical activity after kindergarten! Yes, I can run around in the backyard with my kids, put them in sports and group activities after school, play on my Wii with them (Yes, a Wii. I’m DETERMINED to be the best parent ever ^_~) but that doesn’t change the fact that being forced to sit still for so much time during the day is exhausting–or at least it always was for me and my partner, my partner having dropped out in high school because it was so exhausting. I want my kids in a learning environment that encourages physical activity, not sitting in a desk doing rote work. Rote work is important, don’t get me wrong, but so is physical activity and it *really* bothers me that recesses are getting shorter and more regulated and phys ed is being all but phased out.

    People need to move–especially kids–and I don’t want my kid getting packed full of Ritalin simply because he can’t sit still for hours on end. If my kid genuinely has a problem, like his father, then sure, Ritalin’s the answer, but a case of the wiggles? That just seems silly to me.

  • A Former Teacher
    March 18th, 2009 at 2:06 pm

    I went to a low-performing public school (and yes, still managed to earn two Ivy League degrees) and have taught at three public schools, two of which were those “Newsweek’s Top” high-performing, etc. etc.

    Just wanted to point out that the only @$$-kissing at public schools goes in the other direction–the admins kissing the parents’ posteriors. No admissions, no need for parents to kiss up. Keeping an admin job, however, is very political.