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Friday, March 28th, 2008...8:10 pm

#16: Wine


Wine is not only the Best Parent’s beverage of choice, it is a central psychological nutrient in their daily life support system. The Best Parent knows raising children is extremely challenging, even with non-white nannies, and preschool after-care shouldering most of the burden. It is especially hard for the Best Parent, whose brain is constantly taxed by the arduous task of having to think of someone other than themselves. But the old-style, hard-liquor booze and pills that sustained many a Best Parent forebearer no longer seems appropriate in this era of clean living and positive lifestyle choices.

Hello vino! Mother’s Little Helper is now a finely-priced Merlot. Yes, wine is an alcoholic beverage that will reduce your mind to a euphoric tangle just as efficiently as shots of vodka and tequila, but it carries the Best Parent’s much sought-after imprimatur of class and taste. A carefully-chosen vintage (in other words, one based on price) is a Best Parent windfall. Once again, it allows them to prove how much better than you they are — all the while getting just as sloshed off their knockers as the homeless drunks they pass on their way to Trader Joe’s (to pick up more wine). Best Parents on wine are not alcoholics. They are bon vivants and connoisseurs!

More importantly, forget having Best Parents over for a children’s playdate with anything less than three bottles of Chardonnay or Cabernet. Sobriety is a Best Parent sin, and the penance is having to talk to other Best Parents. So keep the Metrokane Rabbit Ears ready to open another bottle of Shiraz, which, as the Best Parent will so pompously boast, is nothing more than a low-rent Syrah. “Ha-ha-ha,” the Best Parent slurs quietly to themselves. “Just try to make that kind of sophisticated distinction between Absolute and Ketel One!”

So take that, sober and responsible parents with frayed nerves unrelieved by the numbing intoxicants of fermented grapes. The Best Parent is seeing the world in the rich and powerful hues of Napa Valley Red, where even family life has a warm and welcoming glow.

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  • What time of day is it socially acceptable for white parents to start drinking the wine?

    BTW, I love your blog, I’m just mad that you thought of this before I did. I thought I was a genius for coming up with it, but apparently you are the genius.

  • hahaha, this is great

  • I came across your blog a few days ago – I love it!! As I sit here drinking a glass of wine, I can’t stop laughing. I totally get where you’re coming from. And hope that everyone else who reads it understands that it’s not about race. It’s about pop culture and parenting in 2008. Too funny!!

  • Go whiteparents keep it up :)

  • White parents would like for their kids another few hundred years of the best affirmative action program ever devised.

  • stuff college students like
    March 31st, 2008 at 3:38 am

    i really enjoy this blog… so true and very funny.

  • StuffWhitePeopleLike Reader
    March 31st, 2008 at 10:23 am

    StuffWhitePeopleLike does it better.

  • Wine is good. Bud Light is good, too. 😉

  • Does Boone’s Farm count as wine? What about stuff that pours out of a box? I must be the “wrong kind” of white person :p

  • @ Stuffwhitepoeplelike reader- this isn’t stuffwhitepeoplelike remember that

  • Didn’t stuffwhitepeoplelike already do wine? hmm…. Try harder or quit

  • to thriller~
    White parents like wine for different reasons than white people who are not parents do; white parents need wine and drink it to show status whereas white people drink it only for status.

  • Sorry, I drink beer.

    2 of 16.

  • What time of day is it socially acceptable for white parents to start drinking the wine?

    White parents sail. Traditionally drinking begins “when the sun is over the yardarm.”

  • This is too funny! 😀 I had some white friends in college that started me with the wine drinking thing. Rock on white parents! I’ll drink to that! :-)


  • Thriller, you are a nitpicky ass. This is the blogosphere, not the patent office.

  • I was taught that one begins drinking when the sun is HALF-over the yardarm. Or when it’s four o’clock somewhere.

  • Oh, the happy day when I dropped in to find the Best Mom Ever in my neighborhood cracking open a 1 1/2 liter bottle of Chardonnay. I immediately felt my standing in the suburban community rise. Because it may be Trader Joe’s, but my wine is pruchased in a 750 mL bottle.

    Also, plastic go-cups of fancy wine are very popular on Halloween, because Best Parents Ever are always ready to invoke the hilarity of our sorority/fraternity days, when appropriate. And although the child’s costume may be inventive and provoke oohs and aahs at each house one visits, trick n’ treating can still become a tad boring.