Quantcast » Blog Archive » #53: Hating Cows

Saturday, August 23rd, 2008...12:54 am

#53: Hating Cows


What does the Best Parent Ever have against cows?

To enter a BPE household is to discover a world without dairy. There is soy milk, rice milk, and almond milk, along with similarly-derived cheese-like products that often have the epicurean appeal of toilet grouting. For most of us, there is either cheese or “Cheez,” preferably with the word “whiz” after it. Everything else is just soy pus.

Since when did the humble cow become so despised? To listen to the Best Parent Ever, our bovine friends are so useless they should be exterminated en masse, and disemboweled in an assembly-line fashion. Oh wait… We already do that. It’s called making hamburgers. Well, at least us non-BPEs suck the milk out of them first!


So take that, Old MacDonald! Your farm no longer rates even an e-i-e-i-o from the Best Parent Ever, with its barnyard full of lacto-toxic cows (as well as growth-hormone-bloated chicks, pigs, horses, and sheep). It would, however, be an entirely more acceptable aggro-business if your song went something like this…

Old MacDonald had a farm
B-P-E, I Am
And on this farm he only had soy.
B-P-E, I Am.
With fruit juice-sweetened treats
And flouride-free teeth
Here’s a pita chip
And organic rice-cheese dip
Everywhere it tastes like shit
Old MacDonald had farm.
B-P-E, I Am.
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  • OMG, that’s fucking hysterical. Bravo!

  • nomorewirehangers
    August 23rd, 2008 at 3:50 am

    Omg lol the song and you my friend both rock lol

  • Hehehehe!

  • Rofl, Good catch Beeps!!! I hadn’t thought of that…. Cows must be the nemesis of the BPE. Everything from infant formula to greenhouse gases can be blamed on the Evil Bovine.

    Still Loling @ “soy pus”…..

  • roflcopter

  • LMAO….song is great! :)

  • Wow that was great! Its amazing how the average BPE can make a religion out of just about anything; then turn around and be really self righteous about the tenets of their “religion.” In this case the great satan is a cow and the savior is soy. I wonder of the BPE actually ever listen to what they are saying. If they did they might realize how imbecilic they sound.

  • Interesting downside to hating the cow:


  • that shizzz annoying

  • I love cows so much I chop ’em up and cook on my bbq. (but not in front of my Hindu friends)

    There is a modicum of truth to the anti-milk thing – I don’t think it is natural that we drink so much cow milk, but it is a dandy convenient way to get calcium, protein, Vitamin D and the animal fats that are essential to the neurological development of children. Cow milk=the ultimate convenience food.

    you just keep getting better and better….
    BPE is amazing!!!

  • You have to remember though that soy contains aluminium and enough girly hormones (or whatever they say) to turn your little boy gay. So better watch out for that too! Every BPE does don’t ya know.

  • I’ve got one lactose intolerant kid, and one who isn’t. I am doing a controlled experiment to see which one becomes an axe murderer – the one drinking regular milk, or the one drinking soy milk. I’ll repost when they hit 18…

  • I don’t see the problem with a dairy free household or one that is brimming with dairy. One never knows the reasons behind another family’s choices. Being dairy free doesn’t make one think they are the “Best Parent Ever,” but simply that they’re doing the best they can for their child. Anyway, carry on.

  • Why do so many miss the point of this blog….geez! Lighten up anonymous!

  • Holy crap! This s#!t is hilarious!!

  • BMS you made me LOL!
    This has to be one of the best posts ever! And I thought that people drank soy milk because they thought milking cows was cruel! Silly me! Will a BPE please slap me on the wrists? (Oh wait, that would be “corporal punishment” Guess I’ll have to guest-star on an episode of “The Super Parent Show” instead.)

  • Fluoride actually protects teeth, I don’t see why some people get so worked up about it.

    I am eating my real ice cream, not your high-and-mighty naturally-flavored trans-fat-free fruit-filled artificial flavors-free lactose-free poo, thank you.