Quantcast » Blog Archive » #8: Faux Retro Childhoods

Tuesday, March 18th, 2008...2:27 pm

#8: Faux Retro Childhoods


There is a part of every Best Parent that pines for a simpler, more natural time; a world of campfires and treehouses, backyard treasure hunts and bedroom tea parties. But what good is nostalgia, Best Parents ask, unless we can spend a giant Louis Vuitton diaper bag filled with cash on it for our kids, and thus demonstrate, once again, that the Best Parent, alone, is society’s superior sire.

Enter the retro faux childhood industry. This collection of books, camps, and high-priced activities are designed to mimic the simple adventures of youth – all at a price point aimed straight at the well-worn platinum card of the Best Parent.
Why teach your children how to build a fort or tie a knot, when the Best Parent can instead spend a small fortune for this same exact information in any number of Dangerous Boys and Daring Girls books? Why go camping in actual nature, when many local natural history museums now offer overnight camping trips indoors in their diorama-filled facilities? Interested in becoming a rock star or an actress? No need to form that garage band or put on that backyard play when there are Best Parents willing to unload four-figure weekly sums on so-called fantasy adventure summer camps.

And let’s not forget the Best Parent’s Holy Grail – the Nintendo wii, whose sports so effectively mimic the actions of baseball, tennis, and bowling that any urge to actually play these sports in real life is effectively eliminated. The fact that the wii’s almost impossible to obtain by non-best parent consumers makes it all the more valuable for Best Parents, who avidly trade insider wii-buying information on their many Yahoo parenting groups.

True, the faux retro childhood industry offers an added level of safety for the Best Parents’ child. No one has ever yet been eaten by a polar bear while camping at the natural history museum. More importantly, though, faux retro activities provide the Best Parent one more welcomed chance to lavish unnecessary fun-bucks on their brood in a very loud and attention-grabbing manner. Being fashionably old-fashioned says: “Look at me. I’m not shallow and self-absorbed. I care enough about the past to spend a whole lot of money paying someone else to imitate it for me. And that’s why I’m better than you!”

Take that, Boys Scouts and Girl Scouts of America, making s’mores around the campfire. The Best Parent just got themselves a latte at the museum cafeteria next door to their campsite.

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  • These are SOO funny! I am so guilty of all of these and I’m black! LOL

  • “white parent can instead spend a small fortune for this same exact information in any number of Dangerous Boys and Daring Girls books”

    Er since when is $15 considered a small fortune? I mean have you bought a book in the last five years, because that’s pretty standard. For example: The official boy scout handbook is currently marked down to $19.99 on Amazon.

  • Are people out there REALLY this pretentious?!

    1 for 8.

  • Meagan,

    STFU and GTFO!


    Sadly, yes.

  • haha, i LOVE our wii!! it’s the perfect nanny, and it’s WHITE 😉

  • “For example: The official boy scout handbook is currently marked down to $19.99 on Amazon.”
    For a book that is kept for at least 6 years, used as a learning tool, and is referred to often. 20$ is a reasonable price.

    For a 15$ book that will be read… once.. maybe even twice, then promptly discarded to the back of the book shelf never to be seen again. That is awesome fail right there.

  • I pay at least $15 a month for books for my son.. and usually about twice that on books for me.

    Now, if we are talking about the DVDs your kid watches once, like the ones we own… That was a waste of my money.

    I like most of this list. This entry is pretty funny; those books were just a poor example.

  • I am right there wit ya on all the posts on this site, but hey, don’t knock the Dangerous Book for Boys! There is a lot of interesting information in this one book — information probably more interesting to adults than children. It’s actually an encyclopedia and well worth the money.