Quantcast » Blog Archive » #50: Voicemail Brats

Wednesday, July 30th, 2008...8:46 pm

#50: Voicemail Brats


The Best Parent Ever is better than you, but unfortunately, they cannot reach the phone right now to tell you this, so please leave a message after the sound of their cloyingly cute (and barely coherent) children.  BEEP!

Is there anything more loathsome than a toothless three-year old on the outgoing message of voicemail?  Do parents really think the rest of the telephonic world wants to hear this?  It doesn’t matter if the child’s verbal skills are on a par with a tubercular wino’s midnight soliloquy in the liquor store alley.  Sorry we’re not home, but aren’t our children just adorable?

All of this is due to the Basic Calculus of Parenting, which states that: the ratio of a child’s cuteness is exponentially proportional to the level of kinship one has with that child.  This is best expressed by the equation…

Sure, that’s some fancy mathematical wizardry, but what does it all mean?  Basically: your children are ONLY cute to you.  And maybe grandma too.  But after that, the appeal plummets dramatically, especially when voicemail is involved.  This is why BestParentEver.com has started an official “Keep Our Children Off The OutGoing Voicemail” petition for our presidential candidates.  It simply requests that our next president make the FCC ban any telecommunication messages recorded by a child under the age of 9.  Please sign our on-line petition here.

So take that, John McCain and Barack Obama!  There will be no endorsements from us until you deal with the REAL issues in this campaign, instead of dodging them with pointless pronouncements about foreign policy, the environment, and the economy.  It’s time the FCC actually did something other than whine about profanity on the FX channel, and create a telecommunication policy we could all enjoy… at least for 30 seconds or so before the beep.

Remember: sign the petition.  For real.  Thank you.

For more “helpful” parenting tips, join the BPE Discussion Board!


  • Toothless three year old? Don’t they usually have teeth?

  • Hehe – I thought the same thing and was going to question that, but you beat me to it, Tiffany. Yeah, kids are full of teeth at age 3!

  • im pretty sure she knows 3 year olds have teeth.

    um..i did that. i was rappin a song

  • The Boss of You
    August 1st, 2008 at 3:26 pm

    What I get annoyed at is the outgoing message that includes the non-verbal baby and the dog like, “You’ve reach Paul, Jennifer, Maisie and Scruffy. We’re not available to take the call….” It’s always seemed so silly.

  • can’t you just imagine them saying “come on jenny, talk into the box”

  • I absolutely love that formula. So true.

  • okay, i disagree with this post. my daughter (2 yrs) saw me leaving our msg on our new machine. she wanted to do it too — so i let her. and i’m not sorry for it either. she was so excited to do something on her own that she saw me doing. she loves listening to it as well.

    it was a GREAT 10 minute activity that i highly recommend.

    if someone has a problem with it – don’t call. i have no problem with that! :)

  • Hee. Totally agree with this post. Hearing my screechy little cousin on my uncle’s voicemail is the main reason I never call him back. It sounds some like “Eeeeeeeeeeahhhh! Ahhhh! Ami-Eyeh!” and it kills my eardrums.

  • sellthekidsonebay
    October 10th, 2008 at 11:18 pm

    Maisie? Scruffy? wait… which one’s the dog, which one’s the baby?

  • One of my friend’s has her DS on her voicemail outgoing message. I cringe calling her and try very hard to hang up before I hear that dreaded voice!