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Monday, May 4th, 2009...10:53 pm

#59: God



Not only is the Best Parent Ever better than you, but their God is better than you too.

This is because the Best Parent Ever knows that even a perfect Supreme Being can be improved and customized. Cherry-pick a few biblical standards, mash it up with Buddhism and/or New Age nonsense, and then plug directly into your young child’s mind. The God/Goddess/Life-Force/Angels/Energy is good to go, like an over-priced Jamba Juice fusion of mystical energy boosts.

It’s no surprise that The Tribe claiming parental providence over the rest of us has also deemed a few millennia of spiritual tradition to be little more than Swifter chum of the soul. After all, isn’t old-time religion just a little too egalitarian for the BPE? The only way to park that spiritual Prius on the most exclusive block of the Afterlife is to change all the streets signs and roadmaps, so none but the Best of the Best can ever possess it.

So take that, St. Peter! Heaven is just another gated community built for the Best Parent Ever. Hey, they’ve gotten their children into the most exclusive preschools around. Do you really think they’ll have any trouble getting past some divine guard shack? Even if you manage to stall them for an infinity or two, Buddha, L. Ron, Deepak, and/or the Ghost of Oprah will be waiting to let them in the side exits when no one is looking. And that’s why, even when they are dead, the Best Parent Ever, will still be better than you. Halleluha! Namaste. Whatever. Amen.

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  • Finally. That corrosive bile bubbling up to scorch the very flesh off the pretensious BPE face, laying bare their perfectly formed Forest Hill high cheekbones. Not since the golden days of “Mud Hut Super Moms” have I pissed myself laughing like that.

    Why it’s enough to make me give up my faith in nihilism!

    Thank you.

  • I think you’re going to Hell for that one Beeps. 😀

  • You can sit next to me, Beeps. I’ll save you a seat. 😀

  • Actually, a lot of the BPEs I know are adverse to formal religious training of any kind. God/Goddess/Tree forbid that you impose any sort of standards on the children. They will obviously be repressed by being told what they should believe. Moral and religious standards are for the peons. The children of BPEs are above any moral code. They are there to be fawned over and endlessly praised, not told that they might be *gasp* wrong to do something.

  • nomorewirehangers
    May 5th, 2009 at 3:07 am

    Ya’ll can ride with me…I have a reserved limo heading straight there on judgement day…

    and might I add…LAUGH THE FUCK OUT LOUD….

  • :-)

  • Like always…a kick ass post!

    Wires….can I chip in for the limo? 😉 I’ll bring the tequila! :)

  • Perfectly accurate