One of the most important decisions for the Best Parent is coming up with a dumb baby name. Best Parents will spend countless hours pouring over popular baby name books and websites. They will also call all of their pregnant friends to make sure their dumb baby name is better.

Best parents are not interested in preserving their family heritage. Unlike more traditional parents, they will not even consider a biblical name, or a name that’s been carried down through generations. Instead, they will choose a name that is “distinctive” enough to stand alone in the celebrity gossip magazines, which they are sure their child is destined for.

Best Parents also have no problems plundering native cultures. It doesn’t matter that they’ve never met anyone named Asha or Shilo. These are the names that will look best on their child’s future wedding invitation.

If you happen to encounter a Best Parent whose child has a dumb baby name, you’ll score major points by asking them what the spiritual meaning is.

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Expensive strollers are a must-have for Best Parents. It doesn’t matter if the stroller is cumbersome and doesn’t fold easily into the trunk. It’s status that counts. If you’re sporting a $1000 stroller, it means you love your child more than other parents, and will only give them the absolute best.

Best Parents will go to any length to show off their expensive stroller. Farmers Markets in upscale neighborhoods exist solely as a showcase for Best Parents to show off their $1000 strollers.

Also, Best Parents can’t just have the $1000 stroller by itself. They need accessories. And the more accessories they have, the better. Who can live without a parasol AND a sun canopy? Parents who don’t love their children as much as Best Parents do.

Most importantly, Best Parents are trying to inspire their non-white nannies. By having their nanny push a stroller that cost more than one month of her salary, the nanny will certainly have that kick in the pants she needed to get her ass in gear and become a legal citizen.

If you encounter a Best Parent pushing their $1000 stroller, and you’re pushing your stroller from Wal*Mart, don’t sweat it too much. You’ve already made the Best Parent’s day. After all, the main goal of a Best Parent is to feel superior.

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