For the Best Parent who can’t afford the $1000 stroller (shudder), there’s only one acceptable alternative. Baby wearing. Since the Best Parent wants to give the appearance that they are a better parent than you, they will explain that baby wearing is a good “bonding” experience.

The Best Parent will also claim they came up with the idea of baby wearing while at their local Mommy and Me class. They will turn their noses up to any suggestion that African women have been wearing their babies, using their head scarf, while balancing a jug of water and a sack of potatoes on their head, and selling hand made jewelry at the local market, for thousands of years.

The Best Parent will argue that they too need their hands free. They can’t possibly be expected to read the label of their biodegradable soy based diaper wipes at Whole Foods if they are pushing little Zoe in her stroller.

Baby wearing also helps for public breastfeeding, which by the way, the Best Parent also invented. Take that, impoverished women of Africa!

And, as every Best Parent knows, overwhelming self-absorption is a potential conflict with child rearing. While thinking solely of themselves, baby wearing prevents the Best Parent from actually misplacing their child. They will know exactly where they are at all times. Right next to their designer handbag.

For more “helpful” parenting tips, join the BPE Discussion Board!

After selecting a dumb baby name, the next step for the Best Parent is to get their child into the most popular pre-school. The most popular school is solely based on the number of names on the school’s wait list and the number of children of celebrities that are in attendance.

In less fortunate countries, people wait in line for food and other basic necessities. But, screw them. It’s much harder for the Best Parent. They need to wait in line for the most popular pre-school. And these wait lists are longer than the wait lists to buy a new Prius, which the Best Parent also plans on doing. (Can’t drive that SUV in the carpool lane with just one person). It’s also a small bonus that the Prius is much cheaper than two years in the most popular pre-school.

But besides the wait list, the Best Parent has a tough job ahead of them. They must attend all the right Mommy and Me classes, go to all the right parks, shop only at Whole Foods and Trader Joe’s, and occasionally, they must even track their nearest celebrity’s whereabouts, and stalk them.

The Best Parent is not concerned about what kind of person their child will be when it’s time for pre-school. After all, it’s not about them. It’s about keeping up with the Jones’s. And the Jones’s just got into the most popular pre-school.

For more “helpful” parenting tips, join the BPE Discussion Board!

Best Parents are all about the advancement of non-white people of every color. Even their nannies. Nannies become like a cherished part of the Best Parent’s family. This is the part of the family that can be fired in a few years when the grammar school after-care program provides more cost-effective childcare.

But in the meantime, Best Parents love their nannies, and are happy to give them the ample financial opportunities available in slave-wage childcare. Nothing says “American Dream” to Best Parents more than scrambling across a few thousand miles of Central American deserts and jungles, dodging bandits and immigration officers, just so the non-white nanny can wipe up some best parent’s moppet’s snot tubes for 12 hours a day.

The thing Best Parents love most is when their non-white nanny has “parenting” instincts, or is also a mother herself. Of course, Best Parents aren’t overly concerned about who is watching the non-white nannie’s non-white kids all day long. The non-white nannie’s job is to wipe the asses of little Max and Ava, while in the Best Parent’s townhome. This is the ultimate irony of the non-white nanny. In order for her to demonstrate the parenting instincts needed to be hired, she must abandon her own children in favor of those spawned by the Best Parent.

But what’s the real reason behind the rise in popularity of the non-white nanny? Well, a few years ago The Great White Parent loved to hire something called an “au pair” to watch their children. These where typically spry, young college-age girls, who were shipped in from Europe for a few months at a time and were incredibly white. But the problem was, they had to live in the Best Parents’ home. The prospect of having some 19-year coed from Scandinavia prancing around in the guest room down the hall was more than most Best Parent marriages could take. Enter the family-friendly emissary from South of the Border. Non-white nannies not only save Best Parents money, but they save their marriages as well.

For more “helpful” parenting tips, join the BPE Discussion Board!