There are two kinds of moms in the world: those who wear sweats in public, and the Best Parent Ever, who would never be caught outside the house in anything but full make-up, designer clothes, and heels.

Of course, some may admire the Best Parent’s effort to overcome the saggy-baggy doldrums of motherhood while on a simple kiddy-run to the playground. But is it really worth the effort of tottering perilously through the sandbox in heels like a drunken sailor? Or ducking spastically like a limbo-party reject beneath the metal loops of the jungle gym to preserve one’s freshly-styled coif?

Yes, of course it is. Because no matter how painful or clumsy it may appear, the Best Parent’s stylish get-up is specifically engineered to make all the other sweatpants-wearing parents nearby feel even more fat, ugly, and hopeless than they already feel. This once again proves that the Best Parent Ever is not only better than you, they are “hotter” too.

So take that, Old Mother Hubbard, with your dowdy get-up and practical childrearing fashions. The Best Parent Ever may not be able to sprint over in time to stop their cublings from careening headfirst off the curly climber, but at least they will look good, in a trashy, MILF kind of way.

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The Best Parent Ever is better than you because they are almost able to keep up with celebrity parents, which you can’t do, because you are merely human.

Celebrities are not human. It’s anybody’s guess what life-form they are but the term “android” comes to mind. The android, er, movie star, is thus on a constant quest to prove their biological connection to the rest of the media-consuming public, which just happens to be human. Starting a family is, at the moment, one of their favorite strategies in pursuit of this goal (although, as Tom and Nicole discovered, merely adopting children is not enough to dispel suspicions of their malfunctioning bionic souls).

But offspring are messy, dirty, and relentlessly unfashionable on the red carpet, which is why an entire industry of absurdly high-end baby products suddenly appeared out of nowhere, starting pretty much after a nude Demi Moore showed us her future stretch marks on the cover of Vanity Fair in 1991. Prior to that, everyone — rich and poor alike — just bought their baby crap at Toys R Us. Now, an entire Celebrity Baby Industrial Military Complex has sprung up to feed and nuture this Brave New World of Baby Bumps, and along the way, extract fantastic sums from Best Parents all over the world, who want to be just like their robotrix role models.

So take that, non-celebrity breeders! The best you can hope for is to keep up with the celebrity “parenting” of Britney Spears (which shouldn’t be too much of a problem). But not the Best Parent Ever. They are better than Britney and better than you too, as they put their name on the registry at Petit Tresor and Bel Bambini in West Hollywood, right next to J. Lo, Nicole, and Naomi. See you on babyrazzi.com!

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The Best Parent Ever likes to lead a very active social life.  But who will watch their precious brood when all the babysitters are taken, and the non-white nanny is off visiting visiting relatives in El Salvador for the weekend?

Not to worry: the Best Parent is smart.  In fact, the Best Parent is so smart that they’re even smarter than other Best Parents. 

With all of this resourcefulness, the Best Parent turns to something called Pot Luck Childcare.  It’s like a pot luck dinner — but smarter!

Pot Luck Childcare starts when the smarter Best Parent is completely exhausted from spending as much as 5 minutes with their loudly-vocalizing children.  So, the smarter Best Parent calls up a dumber Best Parent and tries to invite themselves over for dinner.  But why would any self-absorbed Best Parent ever agree to this, regardless of intellectual abilities?  After all, they too are exhausted from spending as much as 5 minutes with their own loudly vocalzing children. 

Because the smarter Best Parent has said three magic words: pot luck dinner.  All the dumber Best Parent hears is: “Someone is bringing me free food!”

But THIS pot luck dinner is really just a trojan horse for free childcare.   For the price of a tossed salad, or some leftover soup in a Pyrex dish, the smarter Best Parent can casually release their brood into the house of the dumber Best Parent with impunity.  The dumber Best Parent is then primarily concerned with monitoring their own kids and those of the visiting Best Parent. 

Take note: it’s not REALLY about the dinner.  It’s about the smarter Best Parent tricking the dumber Best Parent into watching their children, while they relax in the dumber Best Parent’s house, flipping through their People magazines and drinking as much of their Trader Joe’s merlot as possible.

So take that, lesser parents of the world and their babysitters!  The Best Parent has replaced you with a dish of badly-cooked, green-bean casserole — and a couple of suckers called their friends!    

Feel free to keep the dirty Pyrex.

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