The Best Parent Ever is better than you because they believe in fairness more than you do.

That’s why EVERY child gets a trophy just for participating these days. Number and letter grades have been expelled from grammar school — no one ever “fails” a class anymore, they merely need a little “improvement.” And everyone, all the time, at every possible moment, is always a winner (except, of course, for those “losers who take drugs,” claim our kids’ anti-drug coloring books).

Why have we become so insistent on making everyone feel so victoriously “equal?” Because we’re not equal. And we all know this… except for the Best Parent Ever. Equality is a subjective concept that always looks most promising when you’re at the top of the food chain. And it’s the job of the noble BPE to smother us with this glorious “fairness,” lest we notice how crushingly unfair it all is. This is just basic Lion King 101. You wonderful gazelles shouldn’t mind being eaten, the King of the Jungle says, because we are all winners in The Circle of Life.Uh… no. Not really. One of us is going to be lion manure on the Serengeti in a few hours, while the other takes a nap in the shade of Pride Rock. What’s so fair about that?

So take that, Failure! You have no place rearing your big, fat “F” in the world of the Best Parent Ever. But even more importantly, please don’t remind everyone else of their underachievement. Just let “Needs Improvement” handle that job. It’s so much more fair. Because the last thing the Lion King needs is a bunch of gazelles getting all pissed off over so-called inequality. “Can you hear the love tonight?” “No, sorry, I have the antler of an angry gazelle shoved so far up my ass it punctured my eardrum.” Now… would that be fair? Not for the Best Parent Ever.

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