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Tuesday, April 7th, 2009...11:12 pm

#58: Farmer’s Markets


The Best Parent Ever is better than you because they share a hive mind, a single collective consciousness directed by the whims of attachment parenting experts and alternative lifestyle profiteers. Sort of like honeybees, or The Borg from Star Trek, but with better sunglasses.

The center of the hive mind, the proverbial mothership from which all crucial group-think emanates is the weekly Farmer’s Markets (every BPE neighborhood has one). There are no great proclamations or commands issued amidst the tasteful tents of organic pomegranate, wheat-free bread, and free-trade trinkets. It is a subtle exchange of social cues and non-verbal tweets. One day everyone is pushing a Bugaboo. The next: it’s Foray. The BPE – Borg Parent Ever


Did you miss the miss that Directive from Command? Yes, of course you did. Because this whole exchange is completely invisible to the non-Best Parent Ever, who sanely eschews Farmer’s Markets for the local supermarket, with its double coupon values and child-restraining shopping carts. Grocery stores are actually about gathering food, and keeping your kid quiet in the cart’s child seat with an open box of crackers you haven’t paid for yet. The Farmer’s Market is about showing off your outstanding parenting skills and purchases, while you download the latest protocols of Best Parent Ever-ing.

So take that, Mother Earth! No one really gives a crap about your life-sustaining bounty and organic edibles — at least not at the BPE Farmer’s Market. Those aisles of soy candles and manure-soaked sprouts are only here to facilitate the controlling super structure of the Borg Parent Ever. And you MUST obey. You MUST!

Either that, or take your dumpy non-BPE ass over to the Safeway to stock up on those Club Card specials. You might even find a half-eaten box of crackers in the child seat. And you won’t pay for it either.

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  • Resistance is futile!

  • I went to the Dallas Farmers Market and got carrots hoping they would be the same as the carrots my friend grew in his ground, and they just tasted like carrots from the store. I think I want to grow carrots now.

  • I skip the farmers market and go straight to the farm. They have some SERIOUS mud for the boys to get into there, while I get bok choy to torture them with. Buahahaha.

    In our part of the world, we also have Whole Foods Supermarkets. Not only can you show off your Bugaboo strollers while you buy hugely overpriced organic food, but you don’t have to be outside where you might encounter dirt or a stray bug.

  • nomorewirehangers
    April 8th, 2009 at 2:06 pm

    Hehehe… I’m gonna take my dumpy ass to safeway now…where I will again forget to bring my cart cover in…

  • Damnit Beeps!!! You finally got me :(. This is the only thing on the list that I do! There is a weekly Farmers Market down the street from my house and I hit it a few times a month. But I think Canadian FM’s are different than your So-Cal ones ’cause I am the closest thing to a BPE at this one. The usual foot traffic at my market is Mennonite women with 40 bajillion kids, old fogies haggling over onions and some hippie crunchy freaks selling organic compost. (??? Isn’t all compost organic??) Last week there was even a woman playing accordian for your spare change. But there certainly aren’t any Borgs or BPE’s!!!!

    You ruined my perfectly good score <:(

  • You’re a loser and you bore me. You are poor and you will never amount to nothing. Your blog is shit, you’re shit, your kids are (for the time being) shit, your signifficant other is shit.

  • Oh yeah, that’s just my opinion, don’t mind me.

  • Wow and you felt the need to make that comment. I hope you teach your children to treat people you disagree or are frustrated with like this.

    Not to mention…haven’t you heard that opinions are like assholes and everyone has one.

    I typically don’t get mean when I comment but saying everyone is shit is kinda ignorant and asks for it.

  • Wow “Mom” – you are bursting at the seams with ignorance!!! Or is it just the jealousy that consumes you?

  • LOL @ Mom. She must have a pretty wicked yeast infection going on or something to be that angry over farmer’s markets.

  • Mom, are you pms’ing? Menopausal? Forgot to renew your anti depressants? Need to get laid? All of the above?

    Get a life!! Also, if she bores you, what the hell are you doing here? Jealous much?

    As for the blog, love it as usual, we have a farmers market here but I haven’t been yet with the kiddo, I prefer my grocery stores, but may have to hit up the market and be a BPE for a sec! 😉

  • nomorewirehangers
    April 12th, 2009 at 2:26 pm

    I agree with sugar… That yeast infection must be a bitch…

    Though comments like hers are usually just sensationalism at its poorest.

    And calling someone poor? Is that supposed to be insulting? I mean, really? Way to offend poor folk everywhere asshat hahaha and calling someone elses children shit makes you classless TRASH.

  • Oh, and before Abby shows up let me help you…

    What you meant to say is that she won’t EVER amount to ANYTHING.

    My publicly educated second grader doesn’t even use double negatives. Idiot.

  • Lol! “Mom” has definitely got to be a troll. Just trying to get everyone riled up with a useless post, then adding a quick second post two minutes later saying “But don’t mind me.” XD

  • What’s wrong with Farmer’s Markets? We have one here in my town. I don’t shop there because of any kind of status or anything. Trust me, as a conservative Christian stay-home mom….status means nothing to me at all. We’re pretty much on the opposite end of that spectrum.

    I just like some of the produce – it’s cheap, it is absolutely delicious (the carrots taste amazing!!), and the kids enjoy going because sometimes they have ponies there. As much as I enjoy reading this blog….sometimes the writer seems to forget that not everyone who does these things is doing it because they think they’re the Best Parents Ever. Sometimes parents do stuff for other motives….like wanting to buy some extra-tasty carrots, or wanting a good deal on spinach and berries. Perhaps the writer needs to get out and meet some normal parents?

  • Hey V the Canadian
    April 19th, 2009 at 3:03 pm

    Just one question. Do you think you’re BETTER than other parents BECAUSE you shop at the farmers market?

    If the answer is NO, then this BLOG does not apply to you. Perhaps you need to loosen up a little and stop taking yourself so seriously, eh.

  • I swear, not all us Canadians are so uptight, there are some left that enjoy satire I swear!

  • Damn it BPE!!! This finally got me. This is about the only thing on the list that I do. dang it.

    Mom….hows bout a freaking chill pill!!

  • I keep meaning to go to one, and yet always end up in asda being seduced by 2-for-1 offers on mass-produced non-organic choccie bars.

    We do have a nice whole foods place called Infinity Foods here in Brighton (England) though, which I must confess to frequenting from time to time.

    Great blog BTW…I’m quickly becoming addicted! At this rate I’ll need to hire a non-white nanny to look after my kid as she’s quickly becoming a BPE blog orphan…