Thursday, March 13th, 2008...12:27 am
#2: Dumb Baby Names
One of the most important decisions for the Best Parent is coming up with a dumb baby name. Best Parents will spend countless hours pouring over popular baby name books and websites. They will also call all of their pregnant friends to make sure their dumb baby name is better.
Best parents are not interested in preserving their family heritage. Unlike more traditional parents, they will not even consider a biblical name, or a name that’s been carried down through generations. Instead, they will choose a name that is “distinctive” enough to stand alone 
in the celebrity gossip magazines, which they are sure their child is destined for.
Random location names work just as well for the Best Parent. They are quite happy naming their child after states, such as Alabama or Dakota. Or, after dumpy little desert towns on the California/Nevada border, such as Xyzxyz.
Best Parents also have no problems plundering native cultures. It doesn’t matter that they’ve never met anyone named Asha or Shilo. These are the names that will look best on their child’s future wedding invitation.
If you happen to encounter a Best Parent whose child has a dumb baby name, you’ll score major points by asking them what the spiritual meaning is.
53 Comments
March 19th, 2008 at 4:31 pm
Looks like White parents and Black parents have a whole helluvalot in common-LOL!
March 19th, 2008 at 8:04 pm
Shiloh is Hebrew, filing it under the Biblical section of hipster baby names, not, alas, native.
March 20th, 2008 at 3:06 am
I have a cousin who named his kids: Sierra(girl) and Dakota(boy) unfortunately his wife and he ran out of originality and named the youngest, a girl, Riley.
Go figure.
Tragic really.
March 20th, 2008 at 4:02 am
It’s not necessarily “dumb” baby names that are the rage among white parents - names must be unique (making up a totally odd and unpronouncable spelling qualifies a name as “unique” even if it’s really just Amy, spelled Aighymee) but also somewhat pretentious in order to give the appearance that the child is somehow better than the other drooling tots on the playground, simply because of his or her name.
March 20th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
These days white parents are going for international names like Arabic, Indian, etc. which I feel is just weird. Stick to normal names, like Mary, Lisa and John ,people!
March 21st, 2008 at 12:12 pm
So…International names are NOT “normal”? Wow.
March 23rd, 2008 at 4:46 am
The effort to use a name that is different is important if you don’t want your child saddled with the baggage of the names already in use.
Unfortunately, this leads to longer names.
Name your child ‘Britney’ or ‘Abdul’ and just try to imagine all the stereotyping they will face.
Besides, a name should be unique in some regard - or are we just raising a generation of robots?
March 26th, 2008 at 10:30 pm
Where does one go to see if they have a dumb name?
March 27th, 2008 at 10:02 pm
I fear the names of the future generation
There will be countless kids named Keanu, Oprah, Barack, and Rivers.
March 28th, 2008 at 7:44 am
What constitutes a “normal” name changes over time. A hundred years ago it was stuff like Horatio, Abraham, and Wilbur. Nows its Mike, Jimmy and Todd.
Of course, what is so dumb about being “unique”. Yeah, everyone should have like the same name, it’ll make life so much more interesting.
March 31st, 2008 at 9:42 am
Well, I think white people like to name their kids unique names, because as a child they had a name that was so common. In the 70s, there was only really four names, Jennifer, John, Robert, and Sarah. White parents dont want their children to have to live through the pain of being “Jennifer A” or “Robert (called bobby when he was a child in elementary school) D”. They dont want their children to have to deal with someone calling their name and not meaning them, but the other Jennifer, no not that Jennifer, the other other Jennifer. As stated white people are really all about themselves, they dont want to have to eventually hear their children tell them that there are 5 other girls in class with the same name, and also how white people use unique names to benefit their daily lives. They will name their son Elton or Tox (or somthing with unique letters such as K, Q, U, X, possibly even naming them Qukx and will tell people it sounds like a mixture between quacks and quick and telling you its sounded out as qughcks) so if they ever lose them in Whole Foods it will be easy for them to be recovered because their will be only one Tox or Elton in the store to respond. Also it is an instant conversation stater, and it allows the white parent, and eventually the white child, to explain the meaning to make the conversasion more personal, and that would help in letting people know more about you while also showing superiority in your parents creativity. But sadly, all these unique white names will be common as well, and we will have a world filled with Avas, and Max, and Shilohs, and Pax, that eventually, naming children Jennifer will become the new “it” name because it shows how you are authentic and dont play into fads of naming kids unique names, which thus the white person is doing in naming their child Jennifer so their childr will have a unique name in a world filled with Avas and Emmes.
March 31st, 2008 at 7:47 pm
Hmmm… R2D2 isn’t bad, but I’d abbreviate it to “Artou” and claim it was French.
April 1st, 2008 at 10:06 pm
Datamonkey, that’s brilliant, you should use that as a pick up line. If I weren’t taken I’d have your baby, ha!
April 1st, 2008 at 10:31 pm
The first two boys and first two girls were once named for their grandparents. Evidently it ’s been a few generations since grandparents were worthy of having children named for them.
April 2nd, 2008 at 5:59 pm
I was laughing at your article, until I saw you had a picture of the name “Mia”, which is my daughter’s name. When we named her, I didn’t know any Mia’s. Now everybody’s g-d named Mia.
But more significantly, I am a non-white person whose been trying to be white for a long time. So I guess I finally got it right. White at last!
April 2nd, 2008 at 7:46 pm
Uhura (first post)? What kind of name is that?
April 3rd, 2008 at 10:05 am
This generation of unpronouncable, oddly spelt and just down right weird named kids will return to naming their children Jennifer, John, Robert and Sarah. Matthew, Mark and Luke may even become popular again. Parents want their child to be the smartest and most successful, but they will never be able to spell their names!! Or is that why parents give their cherished little one a name that is so oddly spelt because they themselves could in fact never spell to begin with? Parenting has become one big competition… forget about all the material items that cost big$$$ Sit down with your baby and give them a hug and kiss. Babies care most about love.
April 3rd, 2008 at 2:03 pm
My kids have normal names.
0 for 2.
April 4th, 2008 at 12:57 am
Is Mia not a typical name????? That is my daughter’s name…Maybe Mia is exotic to whites???? PS I am not white
April 4th, 2008 at 2:52 am
My first (real!) name is unfortunately one of the rare but unfortunate ones to have various spellings that are all kind of equally popular in spelling. As is, try to have to clarify the spelling of all three parts of your name — first, middle, AND last — because there are multiple popular spellings, as that your last name is misspelled constantly because you live near a town that is pronounced the same way, but spelled differently or people just unfortunately mispronounce your name all the time.
April 4th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
Almost as bad as dumb names are ‘clever’ names, or rather dumb parents who think giving their kids ‘clever’ names is ‘cute’. For example, a friend of my husband is named Brent Wall, he convinced his wife to name their son….BRICK. Which I think is neither clever nor cute! I will spare further examples, saddly I know many.
April 17th, 2008 at 10:20 pm
I know a white couple who named their kid Blanca. If they named their next kid Ivory, I would probably die laughing.
April 24th, 2008 at 2:19 am
How is this for a name…
Xy. Yup, X and then Y. We know a couple who named their daughter Xy. Pronounced like the word die but with a Z. Now that is some serious whiteage. I don’t think I could even dream up a more dumb name. That takes the cake for me folks.
April 24th, 2008 at 7:02 pm
Zephaniah is the name of one of my cousin
and I came across a college president today named Metropolis.
April 24th, 2008 at 7:04 pm
I have a cousin maed Zephaniah
I came across a college president today named Metropolis and I also have another cousin I just remembered name Neveah (Heaven spelled backwards)
April 25th, 2008 at 6:02 pm
I would have to say any boy or girl named Skyler, I know one of each, takes the cake. RETARDED! Who names their Kid Skyler?
You might as well name your son Sebastian or Fabio and then question yourself when you son grows up limp wristed!
Great post btw.
http://www.platenuts.com
April 26th, 2008 at 4:07 am
I heard of a Blade recently. Just cruel.
And there’s relatives of a well-known footballer in Melbourne who named their kid Exavier.
They were involved in a nasty family spat and the story was splashed all over the papers.
For the record, I am a traditionalist. I especially hate the way spellings are changed so an otherwise acceptable name becomes ridiculous (Dahkotah, Summah, Rhilee etc.) My daughter has a Welsh name because her daddy is Welsh. It’s fairly tame as far as Welsh names go (it’s fairly uncommon in Australia but it’s very common in Wales) because they can be a little odd.
May 2nd, 2008 at 5:39 am
“Will my children be scarred?” …I offer this to you as a subtitle for your site, gratis.
My ex-wife and I struggled always to maintain that balance between traditional, unique and less-than-stupid. This is meant to result in a three-dimensional name which, of course, can be plotted in three-dimensional space.
Will our son, Griffin, and daughter, Truly, be a) traumatized, b) popular and c) more likely to attend an Ivy League university or experience a lengthy incarceration?
In forming your answer, remember that it should plot out along x, y, z coordinates.
I would thank you for this site but I find that I will need extra melatonin to achieve a restful sleep tonight.
May 5th, 2008 at 10:13 pm
My sister-in-law taught a kid whose name was ‘Penis’ (pronounced Peh-nees).
Do I win a prize?
May 15th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
I think that my husband and I (along with his sister and her hubby) are the last people of our generation to give their kids normal names–James, Elijah and Ezekiel.
Sad ain’t it?
Oh, in case you’re wondering, we’re Gen Xers (the hubbys) and Millenials (Sis in law and I).
May 22nd, 2008 at 12:02 am
Love this blog!
I highly recommend this baby names book, available on amazon.com:
http://www.amazon.com/Superstar-Names-Jeffarious-Shanderrick-Williams/dp/0972428607
May 23rd, 2008 at 10:34 pm
Hee…this is really hysterical, given the Apples and other goofily named folk running about….however, it goes without saying that white parents are hardly the only folks capable of stupid names…in fact, I dare say, I quite prefer “Apple” to “Deswaniquiana” (name of a real kid that I’m teaching). At least “Apple” is a name/word you can pronounce and spell correctly.
May 27th, 2008 at 7:08 am
lol. I was wondering about the focus on white people. What about Tyreca, Dashawn, Shahneequa, Kyleen(sounds like a medicinal drug) and all the other names that are considered “black names”.
i actually read all these posts though. For the record, I named my son Mathias. It’s unique, but not way far out there.
May 28th, 2008 at 1:55 am
ezekial and elijah are not ‘normal’ names anymore…strange by me to think they are?
2 of mine are named from the Beatles….traditional enough, then one from Bob Dylan, another traditional, then one that is a mix of 3 hockey players…not one bit traditional, not one bit normal, not one bit ever heard of, ever. he cannot spell it and does not even know it is his real name, his name is the shortened version (which is a traditional name missing one letter) and the name his dad gave him is like when the child’s in trouble and you call out both first and middle names, that’s what his first name is to him, the ‘oh crap, shes calling me that, i better get my butt in gear quick!’
June 2nd, 2008 at 3:49 pm
What was my college classmates mom thinking when she named her Aquanetta?
June 4th, 2008 at 2:36 am
Let’s see there’s Geri Halliwell from the Spicegirls that named her daughter Bluebell.
Who in their right mind names their kid this?
Let’s all check back in another 15-20 years & see how Apple, Shiloh, Bluebell and Suri are doing. I’m voting for they’ll be in rehab, hiding from the press or writing a book “Why I hate my mum”.
June 4th, 2008 at 2:51 am
LOL MamaDrama!
June 4th, 2008 at 3:25 am
I had a student named Smurfette….I have suggested this to pregnant friends, but their have been no takers!!
June 4th, 2008 at 8:07 am
Don’t forget the weird middle names. And there isn’t just one middle name anymore, there are two. My friend named her son Oliver Sabin Gilgamesh (lastname). Just why?
June 4th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
I have two children, one has an Irish name (Ryan), the other is French (Sophie Noel). I’m Irish and French. Anyway, my SIL has a little boy named Tanner, she said if it was a girl she was going to name him Tannily (you know Tanner + Emily).
June 5th, 2008 at 9:38 am
That’s right, Jennifer B, and believe it or not, as painful as my childhood was, not one iota of it had to do with my having to suffer the “pain” of being called Jennifer B in some classes.
That is true about what is “normal” constantly changing. My mother named me after one of her best friends, and mom thought she had the most beautiful and unique name. That’s right… Jennifer was a “unique name” trend at one time. And yes it will be again, since people so avoid it now.
It’s interesting how the blog complains that no one preserves their family heritage or passes down family names. And then bubbleonfire appears to be agreeing, but complains about parents’ use of “international” names. I suppose that’s your way of saying “foreign” or “not originating from the British isles.” I love my French and Irish heritage and would love to give my (non-existent) children names that reflect that. But, according to Head Nut in Charge, I would be ridiculous to name my son Sebastian (a VERY common French name and btw the name of one of the sexiest guys I ever had a crush on as a teen) AND that I would also be causing him to become a homosexual by giving him that name. (Don’t deny it; we all know what “limp-wristed” means, and I am just surprised that anyone who thinks I can NAME my kid into sexuality is even smart enough to figure out how to turn on a computer).
Don’t get me wrong. I roll my eyes at some of the new names I hear every day. But being unique and being weird are two different things. Mia… neither unique nor weird. But very pretty. Now Ezekiel? I’m sorry but being biblical does NOT disqualify you from getting some strange looks from your kindergarten classmates. As much as the name Apple bothers me, at least the kids can pronounce and spell it.
And for the record, it seems like all the white people I grew up with who had strange names, had family names. So that’s not going to keep you from getting some strange looks. One case I can think of is my friend Xavier… named after relatives. But according to Spell Girl, a self-proclaimed traditionalist, that name is just weird (or maybe it’s not weird if that “E” is taken from the beginning).
Now as for the winners of all strange names go, when I was growing up it was the black families who were into this. Now I realize some of them could be attributed to honoring their African heritage. But we all know that’s not the case of the Aquanettas, Females, Orangejellos, etc out there. And I’m PRETTY sure the sister & brother at my school named Abc and Cde weren’t named after anyone or thing on the homeland. I just can’t believe that the anon poster knew a kid named Xy (pronounced “zee”) who was white. I would surely expect Xy to be in Abc and Cde’s family!
I do recommend that you all research these “unique” names before you seal your child’s fate with them. There are a lot of Melenas, Melaynas, Malainas, etc. out there these days (mostly on reality shows, or is it just me?). Now, this name (especially melena) just makes me cringe. Although it’s not widely known outside of the medical community, check out any medical dictionary to find that they named their kid “bloody shi#.” Aha! Just found it in a regular dictionary; didn’t know it, but it has an alternate spelling! Great! (see my website link - dictionary.com).
June 6th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
I once worked at a nursery school and we had twins called Pond and River. My mum was pregnant and we had a poll going as to what we thought she would name the next one. My guess was Loch but unfortunatly I moved to a different job and never found out !
June 8th, 2008 at 10:25 pm
What’s wrong with the name Casey? Hmm?
June 10th, 2008 at 4:49 pm
Are you serious???? Spending countless hours calling friends, looking at books????
Perhaps you need to rename this site http://www.bestparentadvicefromsomeonewithnokids.com
June 14th, 2008 at 5:38 pm
This will probably be the dumbest yet. My poor nieces name is Emma Nim. (That does not include her last name.) Tell me she won’t be teased in school. Her parents are not to bright, to say the least. Poor girl!!!
June 15th, 2008 at 3:18 am
I love this blog. You and I should be best friends. Or better yet, can I just stalk you and absorb some of your aura??
My kids have dumb names. My friends kids have dumb names that they have obsessed over, ended friendships over, and started family feuds over. Seriously.
For the record, my kids’ dumb names include uber trendy first names, just so they will be cool among the 18 other kids who have the same first name: 3 alone in my son’s elementary school that’s only 1st and 2nd grade, not to mention the other two at our bus stop. They they have Indian second first names, both of religious origin, not super trendy amongst the Indian parental types. In fact, they are downright dowdy among that set. Next are the biblical middle names, followed by the soon-to-be hyphenated double last name consisting of my Indian maiden name first and my then husband’s Italian last name.
Why? Because I am the real Best Parent and I’m covering my bases, just in case it becomes necessary at some point in life to claim that they were raised in a mud hut in some third world country to get scholarship money or recognition. No one needs to know that they are growing up comfortably in the suburbs…. Shhh, don’t tell….
Are my kids going to need therapy for this? Nevermind, don’t answer.
June 18th, 2008 at 5:41 pm
This website seems like a rip-off of Stuff White People Like but, obviously, not as smart or celverly written. Granted the names that people call their kids make me shake my head sometimes but … the responses on this website are even more inane. Head Nut In Charge calling the “odd” naming of someone’s kid “retarded”? How old are you?
Hey, bubbleonfire, who says that Mary, Lisa and John are “normal” names? Not in my ‘hood. What’s normal? A British name?
This seems to be a forum for people insulting ethnic names or anything that stands out. And for the record, I guess I would qualify as a white person who gave my kid a “normal” name.
June 18th, 2008 at 5:58 pm
Hey Lit Chick,
Who cares?
June 20th, 2008 at 2:52 pm
two hip young dads came into the shop with three kids named Sage, Reese, and Dawson. a triple-whammy, and they all looked bored to death. connection?
June 20th, 2008 at 7:10 pm
At least white people don’t stick “La” or “Da” at the beginning of a name and then leave a capital letter in the middle. *ducks*
June 26th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
my daughter’s name is laila james….. james is a family name & we just liked laila. thought it was pretty & different, but not off the wall…
June 26th, 2008 at 7:12 pm
I agree so much. I frequent a name site, and the ‘Modern English Name’ section is ridiculous. They’ll Emily spelled Emyleighe , Hayley spelled Haiyliye, and Aiden spelled Aydenn. It’s so annoying.
June 28th, 2008 at 11:24 am
I nearly broke my tongue a time or two at the medical clinic where I worked. The mother of Angile and Angeli (”On-ja-lay” and “On-ja-lee” - who were two years apart, not twins as their names might imply, thank goodness) got bent completely out of shape if you called her daughters by the wrong name.
My favorite though was a doozie: Kyronnachampagne. All one word. Just like that. No hyphen.
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